Garage doors and grace

Did you know that garage door springs have a lifetime of about 100,000 uses? Did you know that when that lifetime expires, the garage door simply will not have the power to lift, so it will trap the car that you worked so frickin hard to park in the garage after moving three months prior, leaving you unable to drive to work? It seems like a cruel punishment for earnest unpacking, don’t you think? And how much do you think two little garage door springs cost? Not too much, right? I mean, they’re just springs. Wrong. How about $250 each. Yup. Congratulations! You’ve managed to park your car in the garage! Now it’s going to cost you $500 to get out. Welcome to my Tuesday of this week.

If you lived in the vicinity of my corner lot home, you may have heard some rather loud expletives on Tuesday morning. I know my puppy heard them and started crying out from his crate after I tried to leave for work. That was after a morning where I had already yelled at little Jasper for continually biting at the hem of my velvety red robe and then barking every time I stood on the other side of his training fence so I could get dressed without him thinking my pants were a tug of war game. Let’s just say that the garage F-bomb wasn’t the first one of the morning. And it was 8am. Not my proudest morning.

Enter the miracle of mothers. Mine just happens to live about 15 minutes away, and when she got my teary phone call on Tuesday morning, she put on her Mommy panties (literally…I’m pretty sure she had been in her robe too) and lovingly ubered me to work. Then she returned to my house to wait for the repair man who made my garage door function again. Mom, if I haven’t told you enough in this lifetime- I love you and am so grateful for who you are and for all you do for me. You teach me everyday about unconditional love. Thank you.

It’s only with a day of separation from the anxiety inducing events of Tuesday that I can calmly say that it’s okay not to be okay. On the road to transformation there are going to be trials and set backs and in my case, I won’t always handle them well. In fact, a lot of trapped anger will release, like it did yesterday. And that’s a good thing (unless you’re an 8-pound dog living with the crazy screaming F-bomber). I know that I tend to be a person who doesn’t embrace anger (I’m a 9 on the Enneagram) because it makes me feel uncomfortable and out of control. But when I think about FEAR, I can either Forget Everything And Run (suppress the anger) or Face Everything And Rise (step into and feel my anger). I remembered a song that my friend shared with me in the middle of my troubles last year which has become my go-to song for when I’m in the throws of all the hard feels. I recommend singing it at the top of your lungs. It’s called Who you Are by Jesse J.

Don’t lose who you are
In the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving
Dreaming is believing
It’s okay not to be okay

Sometimes it’s hard
To follow your heart
Tears don’t mean you’re losing
Everybody’s bruising
Just be true to who you are

–Jessy Ribordy

I just kept singing that to myself yesterday when I couldn’t seem to change the direction of my mood “It’s okay not to be okay….tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising, just be true to who you are”. What upset me the most is that my tantrum wasn’t reflective of who I want to be. I don’t want to be someone who’s so easily thrown by a simple mechanical malfunction. Clearly, there was more than that garage door which lead to my outburst and I have a lot to reflect on there. But to say I was glad that nobody was there to witness my fury would be an understatement! I can write about it today because I can see that the events of yesterday allowed me another opportunity to give myself some forgiveness and grace and to tackle some emotions that I typically run away from. So I served myself a heaping bowl of grace (along with the rest of the container of my peppermint JoJo’s ice cream), did a little yoga then put myself to bed at 8:30pm. I guess I’ll be going back to Trader Joe’s tomorrow…I think I’m going to need more ice cream for the road ahead!

Post Script: If you’re one of the many people to whom I’ve gifted Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance, I encourage you to read the entry for December 1 called “Charmed Lives” as a dear friend of mine encouraged me to re-read it today. I too will choose the Strength, Grace and Wisdom package, thank you very much! Namaste.